A Mother Three Times
A few words on my motherhood journey, plus my favorite postpartum (and baby!) things
I probably shouldn’t blame my deliciously chunky newborn on the lack of Romance Adjacent newsletters in the last three months. Alas, the postpartum love bubble has been all-consuming. Chaotic. Hard, for sure. But also filled with the sweetest, dreamiest moments—the first of my three births that has felt slow. Like how it should be.
Before we get into it, know that the first half of this newsletter will be an essay on my motherhood journey thus far. Below the essay, I’m sharing a handful of my favorite postpartum and baby essentials. If neither of these topics are for you (or if they might be triggering), here’s what’s in the RA pipeline:
An outfit formula for postpartum (that I wear nearly everyday)
How I transition my favorite summer looks into fall
All the romance novels I read in the first 40 days postpartum
What I wear for breastfeeding (and catch a sneak peek at one of those looks in Take Your Top Off!!! from Elin Strong’s incredible newsletter, Bang Voyage)
How I organize my bags: diaper bag, stroller bag, everyday bags, etc.
Over the last few weeks, during middle-of-the-night feeds, I wrote the following in my notes app. Often, when I need to work through something, I write it out. It helps me sift through complicated thoughts when I can read them back in a two-dimensional format. Both pregnancy and postpartum are complicated subjects for me, amplified in the month of August when I’m forced to face the memories of my firstborn’s birth and death.
Four years. Four years of moving through grief, of allowing joy to occupy space alongside that grief. Ups, downs, riptides, and fireworks. My journey into motherhood was shaped by trauma, but it has become so much more than that now. Vibrant and new. Exhausting in the best way. The cuddles—oh, the cuddles! Sleepless nights and imaginary play. Crocodile tears and sweet, raspy giggles. Smashed peas, overcooked dino nuggets, spilled breastmilk. Singing and dancing to the Moana soundtrack (again and again and again). There is endless beauty in the mundanity of daily life with a toddler (my secondborn) and new baby. I’m grateful for every second of it. Tantrums, meltdowns, and all.
In August, the grief tends to resurface—a cyclical reminder that we’ll never get to experience any of that beauty with our firstborn. My therapist was right (as most usually are) when she said that the grief never goes away, but the degree in which we feel that grief lessens over time. And while, four years in, it’s still intense, her birthday this year brought a new experience with it that was oddly cathartic. Let me explain.
Shortly after I sent out my last newsletter at the end of May (on my pregnancy wardrobe), I went into labor for the third time. As far as labors go, it was relatively quick (seven hours) and thankfully uneventful. I’m lucky that my doctor is not only an incredible high-risk specialist, but also a close family friend. I was at her house on Memorial Day when she suggested we measure my cervix. Surprising both of us, I was already between 3 and 4cm dilated (at 38 weeks). A few hours later, during a barbecue at my parents’, I was in labor.
I won’t get into the details of the birth, but I will say this: after pushing, when your body has reached its absolute limit and your mind feels like it might break, the doctor places your baby on your chest and time simply stops. It’s a profound, cell-altering moment. I remember all three in vivid clarity—an overwhelming sense of purpose and belonging clicking into place.
It is precisely because of this feeling that the act of birth and early postpartum (and even pregnancy) has been so hard for me. I, of course, experienced the time stop with my first baby—a baby who, hours after birth, was taken to NICU and then later transferred to Children’s Hospital LA where she lived for thirteen days (I wrote a little more about this here). The beauty of that first moment, when she was mine and I was hers, made everything that happened after that much worse. A blissful high was followed by the lowest, darkest ache I’d ever felt—a fear that deep-rooted in my bones and followed me through my next two pregnancies and births.
The problem was the randomness of it. She died of a spontaneous genetic disorder. That meant it wasn’t passed down from us. It simply happened by chance—a one in a million chance. So random, in fact, that a university studied our genomes afterwards. That kind of unpredictability irrevocably messed with my psyche. If it could happen once, who’s to say it couldn’t happen again? Statistics be damned.
And so, with my second baby (a boy), I held my breath. When they placed him on my chest. Through every test, scan, and blood draw. It wasn’t until we left the hospital with a healthy newborn, comfortably settled at home, that I felt semi-okay (I mean, do you ever feel fully okay as a parent, no matter the circumstance?!).
The third time around was even harder. At that point, I knew both outcomes of a pregnancy: one that ended with a random tragedy (first) and the other filled with precious, soul-filling memories (second). The stakes felt higher because I’d learned how postpartum was supposed to go. I simply could not go through the bad again, knowing how beautiful the good was.
I should also mention that we did extensive genetic testing in our second and third pregnancies, checking for this one in a million gene deletion. Even then, when our fetuses were given the all-clear, my husband and I still remained wary. You just never know, we’d say to each other throughout both.
When my beloved doctor placed our third baby (another boy!) on my chest, there it was again: that cinematic time stop. Skin to skin, heart to heart. Even experiencing a worst-case scenario before, I’d live in that moment again and again. I’m so happy and relieved to report that he’s healthy. Healthy and perfectly chubby, which is all I could ask for.
So now, here we are. August. Four years after I became a mother for the first time—a crushing entry into motherhood, but motherhood all the same. It has taken all four of those years for me to realize that the pain, the highs, the lows all led me here, exactly where I’m supposed to be. Four years to understand that all of it had to happen in order for me to hold this baby. In order for me to hold my second baby (a now spunky toddler), too.
Every year in August, we leave town for my daughter’s birthday, hoping that whatever we do will distract us enough from having to think about the shoulds, the coulds, the dreams, and everything in between. On this year’s trip, I found an old-school analog photo booth. I dragged my family to it, fussy baby and all, and we posed our hearts out.
In those photo strips, I saw something that I hadn’t noticed in forever. My face looked so…joyful. Bursting with it, in fact. Not unburdened, per se, but lighter. Like I’d finally taken a deep breath of fresh air. As I said: cathartic. It’s wild how two seemingly opposite emotions (joy and grief) can live side by side.
And now? I’m just so incredibly grateful for my two healthy boys. For the joy they not only bring me, but to my whole family. And I can’t help but think the universe gave me baby boys for a reason. For one, boys are notoriously mama-obsessed, which mine definitely are. I needed that, I needed them—not to mend my broken heart, but to fill a whole new part of it. And two, I take my job of shaping them into kindhearted men seriously. What an honor and a privilege it is to raise boys right now (in this hellscape of a country)—boys who are gentle and vulnerable. Who lead with empathy and kindness. Who smile and know how to hug (very important to me!). Who love fully and aren’t afraid to show it. Who plan out song and dance routines to Moana and perform them a dozen times per day.
Don’t let me sugarcoat my motherhood experience, though! Most days are hard and messy. Piles of laundry and half-eaten bananas. And the newborn stage? It’s actually really difficult for me. My reflux babies don’t chill for a single minute. But, through it all, no matter how often I want to pull my hair out, I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything. Everyday—every minute—I feel so incredibly grateful for the babies I do have. And for the one who made me a mother.
I can’t wait to see where we go (and grow) next.
No romance book recs to share this time, but I read so many great ones recently, so stay tuned! Instead, I wanted to highlight a few things I’ve been loving this postpartum for both me and my baby.
Know that absolutely none of it is necessary, nor is it sponsored. In fact, if I have to influence you, let me tell you not to get a ton of stuff in this time period. Babies need next to nothing. And moms—you just need whatever brings you the most comfort. But since I’m often asked, I thought I’d share a handful of favorites in case you’re in the thick of it, too.
For ease, you can find the postpartum list here and baby list here (both have lots more than what I mention below, too…or better yet, add me to your circle!).
FOR MOMS
Bodily Effortless Bra: When nursing, I prefer bras that can easily pull aside. Unclipping and reclipping the standard nursing bras can sometimes be stressful when it’s 3am, dark, and your baby is screaming. I love the fit and ultra-soft feel of these Bodily ones. I also wear and love non-nursing bras that pull aside with little effort, too, like my favorite Negative Underwear bralette and this Thirdlove one that offers a thicker coverage (it’s a perfect t-shirt bra).
Boon Trove milk collector + Momcozy portable cooler: I’ve collected an insane amount of milk from using the Boon while nursing (on the opposite breast). This rec comes with two huge caveats, though. For one, make sure it doesn’t suction to you or else it’ll affect your milk supply (unless you’re actively trying to increase it). And two, this container is not stable whatsoever. After using it, don’t set it down on random surfaces like I do. I guarantee it will tip over and spill milk everywhere, which I know from experience many experiences. With that said, I find it extremely useful. When nursing at night, I keep the milk in this cooler next to my bed (it stays cold for 24 hours) and transfer it to freezer bags in the morning.
Perelel vitamins: A friend recommended Perelel when I was looking to switch my prenatal mid-pregnancy. I’m now taking the Mom Multi Support Pack and love how convenient it is to have everything you need in one package. I’m on a subscription, too, which is extra helpful. Does anyone use their protein powder? It sounds good and I’m so curious!
Oat Mama teas: I always crave warm things after birth, like Oat Mama’s postpartum healing tea, which I drank after all three of mine. It’s so delicious. If you stock up, grab a bag of their lactation oat bars, too. Not sure if they actually increase milk supply, but they’re tasty and an easy snack during feeding time.
Dr. Max’s Nipple Balm: I’m currently breastfeeding, which means I never leave the house without nipple cream. Dr. Max’s is my favorite because of its safe ingredients and smooth application. It’s also a great multi-use balm (hands, lips, cheeks). In the early days, nipple cream is a godsend (and don’t forget about Silverettes!). I’ll note that I love and use all of Dr. Max’s products, including the pouches and wash cloths (I ordered this kit when it launched).
Mutha Exfoliating Body Bar + Osea Undaria Algae Body Oil: Postpartum is a time to treat yo’self. I could list out a hundred products I love during this time, but for now, I’m highlighting two: one for exfoliating in the shower, the other for hydrating post-shower. I’m obsessed with this combo!
Sunflower Lecithin: If I influence you to get one thing for a breastfeeding journey, it’s sunflower lecithin. Any brand will do, this is just the one I’ve always used. Anytime I feel a clogged duct coming on (and you will know because it hurts like hell), I immediately start taking sunflower lecithin. After a couple doses, it has always cleared the clog for me. A true hero product!
Merit Tinted Sunscreen + Complexion Stick: I love anything that’s low-maintenance and high-impact, which is exactly what this combo is. Whenever I try to leave the house with two kids in tow (which feels like an Olympic sport), I can swipe this stuff on in three minutes and immediately look like I’ve slept eight hours straight.
Flip night light: I’ll give it to you straight: feeding a baby in the middle of the night is not fun. We keep a few of these lights around our room (on nightstands and the changing table) and flip them over whenever we need to feed or change the baby. It’s bright enough to see what’s going on, but dim enough that it doesn’t really affect sleepiness.
FOR BABIES
Doona: We panic ordered a Doona two weeks after the baby was born, realizing that schlepping two kids around was even harder with a second giant stroller system. After using it for the past couple months, I can confirm that it’s my favorite thing we’ve bought this time around. It truly makes my life ten times easier, which is all I can ask for in a baby product.
Roux swaddles: Roux is my top favorite kids brand. Not only do I buy a ton of it for my boys, but I also gift it to everyone I know. I buy so much Roux that the owner emailed me one time and said “Did you really mean to order that?” Anyway, I use their swaddle like a thin muslin blanket, which is an ideal weight for summer. It’s also great for blocking the sun, privacy for nursing, and even swaddling (its intended purpose!). They’re mostly out of stock right now, but they do replenish.
Storq Quick Change Kit Bag: I own four of these, but I swear they’re all necessary. I’ll explain why in a future post about how I organize my bags, but for now, just know that these are so great for on-the-go diaper changes. And CUTE, which is such an added bonus when you’re dealing with blowouts.
Willaby lace baby blanket: I love muslin blankets in general, but Willaby’s are truly so so special (I have one for each of the boys). Made from GOTS-certified organic cotton gauze, they’re the softest material. Plus, they get better every time you wash them. Don’t get me started on the lace detail!
Tubby Todd All Over Ointment: I’m a recent Tubby Todd convert after using it on my eldest son’s eczema. While it doesn’t necessarily make the eczema go away, it definitely soothes and contains it, which is all I can really ask for. Since I’m now on a subscription for it (can’t live without), I’ve also been using it on my newborn. It’s such a great all-purpose baby cream—lightweight, but moisturizing—especially for babies with super sensitive skin like mine.
Snuggle Me Organic lounger: This lounger is my absolute best friend in the early days. A true newborn whisperer! We kept ours on the couch and plopped our son in it for naps. And don’t tell our pediatrician, but we used it in our bassinet at night for the first few weeks, too. It just keeps them so snug and calm. My son (who is now 97th percentile, lol) grew out of it quickly, though.
Nature Baby clothes: I’m a firm believer that babies don’t need a ton of clothes in the beginning. A handful of onesies and zippered pajamas will do. My top favorite is the pointelle line from Nature Baby. Not only are their products organic cotton, but they’re super high quality. After washing them a hundred times (and removing all sorts of stains), they still look perfect. Other baby brands I love: Magnetic Me, Makie (our sons both lived in the hadagis), Kissy Kissy, Roux (of course), Zara, and Little Planet.
Hatch Rest Go: While any sound machine will do, I love this one because it clips easily to the stroller or diaper bag, has a ton of different sounds (don’t sleep on the shhhh one, pun intended), and isn’t an eyesore.
Artipoppe carrier: Yes, they’re stupidly expensive, BUT the Artipoppe is truly the most comfortable carrier (and I’ve tried a few!). As a bonus, I used it a lot with my eldest son and it still looks brand new.
Thanks for sticking with me if you made it this far. Looking for a book rec? Stay tuned! I have a longggg list of sweet (and spicy) romances for you very soon!
I know I don’t post often, but it means the world that you’re here. If you’d like to support my work, please share it with a friend (or restack!), leave a comment, heart it, or engage with it in any way. It helps more than you know!
And if you’d like to read more, here are a few to get you started:
*I occasionally use affiliate links and will receive a small percentage of a sale linked through this newsletter. For books, I always advocate to borrow from the library (Libby!) or buy in your local bookstore. If you’d like to buy online, consider bookshop.org
Your words are always worth the wait! This was so beautiful and following along with you as you’ve shared life before Rowe and after, only gets better. So happy to hear you’ve found some catharsis and are soaking up your 3rd newborn bubble! Sending so much love.
This was such a beautiful read, Janelle. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt reflection. I'm so sorry about your first ❤️ You captured those first moments so beautifully, which I'll hopefully experience for a second time come December 🤞 Right there with you on raising kind-hearted boys too! And I loved your recs at the end! Can't wait to read what you've got in the pipeline whenever they come our way!